I’ve thought about this quote more frequently over the years.
I thought about it again recently as I drove my son to an 8 am Sunday morning lacrosse, he asleep in the passenger seat as we traveled the 45 minutes to the practice. Because why would we be on a team that is 15 minutes away when you could spend an hour and half (well really 3 and a half hours, since I or my wife Amy could not really drive home before we would need to turn around and pick him up).
At least it gave me this time to write this reflection and that’s a plus.
When we think about our life we tend to think of the next few days or weeks and what needs to be done. We have that constant ‘to do’ list running through our brain. I’ve had to do lists for the better part of 50 years and I’ve learned a few lessons along the way. Some I try to teach to my patients and many more to myself about what makes a happy life.
When you think about that life it can be summed up pretty simply for most: we are born, grow up in some structure of a family, go to school, get a job, get married, maybe have kids, watch them grow up, retire and die. That is the arc which most take as we travel on this big blue ball over the years. As the saying goes, the devil is in the details.
Many of us struggle through our days. It starts with getting up sleep deprived, having to drag ourselves out of bed, get ready for work or get the kids ready for school, grab something (likely not healthy) to eat, go through our day, head home, prepare dinner, maybe run around to dance class or lacrosse practice, make sure homework is done, crawl into bed likely with a few dishes left in the sink, rinse and repeat.
One day you will turn around and the kids are gone, the house is quiet and you are left wondering where did those years go? That will happen much sooner than you could imagine. I can tell you from experience helping to raise five children (Amy did/does most of that work). Only one is left in the house. It is the most remarkable and at times liberating/terrifying thing to experience and something many struggle with as we age.
Recently, I have experienced some nagging shoulder issues going on for about six months and after trying various things—stretching, massage, chiropractic treatments—I finally went to an orthopedic surgeon. He did a detailed exam and diagnosed a likely bursitis of my shoulder and injected it with a steroid which was like magic as far as relieving my symptoms. A comment he made stuck in my mind after he examined me. He said ‘when I see patients who are older but not old, here is how I approach’ this particular issue.
Now I thought that was a very nice way of saying two things. One, I was past a certain age (I was old) and two, whatever age I was (I am 60), I was a ‘young one’. You could focus on either side of that statement. You are old. You are young for that stated age. I chose to focus on the latter and not the former.
The same applies to the stage you are in life. Have your parents just dropped you off at your freshman year of college? Maybe you are at the start of your journey in your first job. Perhaps you have just moved in with whom you think is ‘the’ person. Are you rushing around to get the kids from school to their activities? Maybe you are those parents who have just sent their last one to college. Stop crying Mom, they will be okay.
Which brings me back to how I started this post. We can, consciously or unconsciously, choose to drown in ‘the days are long’ component of our life. Many people do. And make no mistake, days can be very long and filled with exhaustion, fatigue, frustration, sleep deprivation, endless lists of things to do and on and on.
Or, we could understand that eventually, if you are blessed, this stage will pass and it will be you and your partner in a house (or a condo on the beach), alone reflecting on a long and beautiful life. In the midst of the chaos, that is sometimes difficult to appreciate.
What saddens me is that, for many, they often forget that the chaos often hides the beauty. We intellectually all understand that and live for those moments when, in a quiet minute, our spouse does something especially nice and unexpected or a child for no reason walks over and gives you a hug or innocently says ‘I love you’. The real truth is those moments exist every day of our lives if we choose to see them. Remember that orthopedic surgeon was saying I was young, not old!
How do you hone the ability to see the beauty in the chaos? It is actually a skill that anyone can easily learn. The ability to practice gratitude daily has been a game changer for me. Taking a few moments to reflect on your day and select two or three of those moments of beauty. Maybe while getting ready for bed. It may be watching the sunrise as you head to work. It may be the moment your kids leave the car and walk into school. Perhaps it is the solitude with a cup of tea you get to sip for five minutes. Did a friend send you a nice text that made you smile? Was there a moment at work when you laughed with a co-worker about a stupid show you both watched? The list goes on.
Every single day many events will occur. Lots of them will be unremarkable and some generally unpleasant. But there are ALWAYS a few moments for which to be grateful. The odd thing is the more you look for them the more you will find. Your long days will become a little bit more enjoyable and shorter and those years will last a little bit longer to savor. Give it a try for a few days and let me know what you think.
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